Those words are from a song called “Providence.”
My sad journey began happily with a positive pregnancy test in mid July. I started worrying when my pregnancy symptoms weren’t progressing like with my others. I had bouts of nausea, but nothing that involved medication like in the past. Still, I tried to remain upbeat and just count my blessings I wasn’t sick.
At my first appointment, I thought I was 7 weeks, but the baby only measured 6 weeks. There was a heartbeat at 115, appropriate for the age. My blood work came back with good numbers too. Still, the doctor wanted another ultrasound done in a week to verify that the baby was growing.
The second ultrasound was awful. I told her I was nervous. The technician didn’t say anything for what seemed like 5 minutes. Finally, she turned the screen, pointed out the sac, and said “this is the area I’m studying.” She didn’t call it an embryo, fetus, or baby! I really think that’s awful. The baby did have a heartbeat, I could tell, but it wasn’t beating as fast as the week before. She finally stopped the test, and said the doctor would talk to me about the results. She acted awkward. They really need to train their technicians on how to handle difficult situations!
The doctor came in and said the baby hadn’t grown and the heartbeat had dropped. I couldn’t bring myself to ask what it was. He wanted me to come back in another week for a confirmation ultrasound and gave me some basic instructions if I started to bleed. He said sometimes women will come back and the baby would be doubled in size, but that doesn’t happen often.
I have never cried so much as I have this past week. There were days I could barely keep it together. We decided not tell the children. I couldn’t answer their questions when I was so full of my own. I questioned my faith in God healing the baby. Jesus repeatedly says when he healed someone, “Your faith has healed you.” Does this mean their faith was strong enough to believe they would be healed, or just that they had faith that Jesus is God’s son? I don’t know which it is and I know many Christians feel it’s our faith about the healing that brings the healing. So, I’ve been wracked with guilt, feeling the baby might have grown if it wasn’t for me.
But a very dear friend reminded me of the story in Mark 9, where the man said in regards to his sick child, “I believe Lord, help my unbelief.” And Jesus healed the child. It’s not about how much faith I possess; it’s about coming to Jesus with it.
And even Jesus struggled with accepting God’s will. Take this cup from me, He prayed, but then said, Not my will but Yours.
My ultrasound this week confirmed there was no heartbeat. So, now I wait for my body to do what it needs to do. Because the baby was only 6 weeks, it should all happen naturally.
The chorus in “Providence” says,
Oh the Hand of Providence
Is guiding us through choices that we make.
The Hand of Providence
Is reaching out to help us on our way.
God told us to give up control of our family size. We did. And the Lord gave and then He took away. He’s helping us through this. But this is not the end of the story. The victory is ours and I’ll hold my baby in heaven!